How many of you can relate to saying say yes all the time and either instantly regret it or realise somewhere along the way you have done it again? How many of you as a result end up feeling stressed and out of control, frazzled, put upon, worn out, no time for yourself, and not achieving your dreams?
It’s all about coming from a place of inner confidence. Let’s explore exactly what is that prevents people from saying no, and how to move from repeated patterns of saying YES to every request.so that you are able to have the confidence to make more informed beneficial choices for managing our increasing stress levels and feel in control of all aspects of your life.
Take for example someone who is always saying Yes, which in certain circumstances is fine if what you what are saying yes to is exactly what you want to be doing and it feels okay and sits with you comfortably.
So let me ask you do you pride yourself on being the kind of person that everyone can rely on, always there, to fix things, write that last-minute report, organise an event, give a presentation etc.?
Maybe you see your role in life to make it alright for everybody else?
Is this ability to not being able to say no a repeat pattern that has stemmed from your childhood.? Perhaps you have inherited this behaviour from your parents?
Or, is it a deep seated desire to want to make it alright for everybody else, because of the fear of confrontation, of what might result if you were to say NO.
Or Is it perhaps an excuse to prevent you from getting on with the important stuff in your life.
Have you become an expert at saying yes to delay what it is that’s preventing you from moving to achieve your bigger goals in life?.
Are you an artist, a writer, do you come up with one hundred and one reasons why you can’t organise that art show or finish writing that book, are you too busy running around after everyone else’s life mopping up the tears for a bereft friend?
Or is it that you just don’t know how to say NO.
For me it is all about not giving your power away…it is keeping in my sight what it is that’s important to me.
More than ever in these current shifting financial times, when people are feeling more and more under pressure, to prove themselves, to hang on to their jobs, the pressure of work and life stress is on the increase. I am working with moiré and more people who feel they are not in control.
Learning to delegate
From a work setting it can often stem from a lack of confidence, not feeling quite good enough to say no , so therefore you just agree to deliver the goods. Whatever the consequence to your increasing pressurised work load and increasing personal and family commitments.
Take for example a James, a hypnotherapy client I recently worked with who came to me because he felt exhausted, burnt out and that feeling that his life held no purpose. All his life he had prided himself on doing the right thing, if anything needed doing he was right up there volunteering and saying Yes to everyone’s requests.
James had just been promoted from within his company 8 months previously and instead of taking the helm of the ship and demonstrating his leadership qualities he was right up there still running around carrying out not only his new work load also with this inability to delegate and empower the rest of his team. So he was in fact running himself into the ground, swamped, overwhelmed, not sleeping and fast burning him self out.
He hadnt’ developed the confidence to step back and delegate to the rest of the team. Also his new line manager saw that he was a soft touch and just kept right on piling on more and more work for him to do. He just hadn’t the skills and the confidence to say to no to every request. He was worried that he would lose his job, that he in fact didn’t deserve the promotion.
After delving a little deeper we established that James came from a troubled background, his father was a weak mannered man who worked long hours running the family grocery business his mother suffered from depression and was an alcoholic with a fiery temper so his two brothers had learnt that in order to make life easier and avoid being hit they would toe the line, and over compensate because they believed that they were responsible for their mothers drinking and depression. Furthermore he was bullied at school, because he was under pressure at home he hadn’t the confidence or the skills to stand up for himself.
Through our sessions James learnt how to feel happier, and more confident with himself, and began to enjoy his new promotion, learning to delegate to his team and gaining respect from his boss and work colleagues.
Coming up with a compromise
Learning to be assertive and to have your voice heard. I don’t mean being aggressive and shouting, I mean consistently and respectfully sticking to your guns and listening to what YOU really want . So stop worrying about what other people think of you……start listening to yourself.
Where does it feel uncomfortable in your body when you agree to something that doesn’t feel quite right. Does it stick in your throat, do you feel it in your gut, do you carry tension in your shoulders. Once you start to recognise and listen to your body’s symptoms and what they are telling you it will be easier to say no and feel secure in the knowledge that it’s okay to do so.
The more you learn value yourself, appreciate your own special unique qualities you can begin to take control and have the confidence to decide what it is that you do… or choose not to do.
One of my earliest and most precious lessons that I learnt from my Uncle Bob was the liberating art of being able to say no. He said to me that if you aren’t sure Nicola, instead of jumping in with a yes and then living to regret that decision just say, “the idea doesn’t appeal to me” or “can I give it some thought, and get back to you.”
Actually by having the ability to say no can help you to grow personally as well as gain a greater respect from others.
Simple strategies to apply
As human beings we are designed to be highly intuitive and what this means in this instance is that your manager, boss, client or whoever can sniff out a vulnerable insecure person, not just by what we look like , by how we dress, stand and the words we us they can smell the fear that they instil in us. .
The first thing is to start to pay attention to other people, perhaps people who you admire, notice noticing how they respond, when asked to produce an extra piece of work, at short notice or…. What kind of tone is used …is their tone aggressive, respectful or apologetic? Do they speak calmly, confidently is their tone high pitched, squeaky or does it finish each sentence on a low, do they sound depressed or do they inspire a feeling of confidence of someone in control?
Be aware of how they carry themselves, what’s their body language like? Do they have their arms and legs crossed in a defensive fashion. Do they look people in the eye, or is their body language and hand gestures open , and confident. Are they rocking backing and forth or do they stand with their feet squarely on the ground.
Begin to move your observations forward and be aware of how you sound, look and behave to others…play around with changing your tone, body language and the words you use. Ask for feedback from others. Be aware of what feels the comfortable for you
Next time you are asked to put more demands on your precious time. When you are confronted by an over pushy, aggressive manager customer or a client be aware of the over use of SORRY, or I am afraid. Those words instantly put you in a position of weakness. Rather, use words that make you feel more confident and in control and instil a feeling of being in control. Remember don’t give your power away!
Coming from a place of understanding
Aim to come from a position to understand where they, the other person is coming from. They either believe you are the best person for the job, you’re a soft touch, a walk over, or they can’t think of anyone else to ask.
The key thing to prevent previous patterns of always saying yes… is to stay calm, be aware of your breathing, keep it steady ..and slow it down, if your pulse is racing, keep your tone and your body language open and give your self time to think. If you are not sure at first what to say I always recommend taking the tack of thanking them for asking me, then I might say can you clarify exactly what you want me to do… and if still not confident to say no say something like …I will give it my consideration, I always like to sleep on it and I’ll come back to you tomorrow, in a day or so etc.
By nature I am a jumper inna without thinking of the consequences. By giving my self time to think I have saved myself a lot of unnecessary angst. So for example if your asked to deliver a report within a very tight deadline, or give a presentation, possibly you may not know anything about the subject
Some useful responses you can effectively use are: “Thank you for asking me, regretfully I can’t help you out “
“ I am unable to write that report just now, it doesn’t fit into my schedule”, or… “I’m not equipped with sufficient information, I don’t believe I am the best person for the job”.
Or put a proviso in or a condition you can always meet them halfway if it suits your time framework …you can always say something like…”I can help you out, I can give it two hours of my time next week.”
Aim to be perceived as someone who is helpful, knowledgeable and willing to help so this is where you offer out suggestions of who else or how the request could be achieved.
I always find this to be a useful response.
“I don’t believe I am the right person to deliver that piece of work…however have you thought about asking Melissa, I know she is looking to develop her skills in that area.”
If the person asking you the request has in the past intimidated you, it is essential that you keep your response short, look them in the eye, be quite firm and at the same time respectful, not aggressive or rude… stick to your guns, and don’t get involved in a lengthy discussion, don’t give your power away, don’t get twisted in knots…
If it upsets them that you can’t help…well that’s their stuff to deal with, not yours. The more you practice and put these techniques in to action the easier it becomes.
Visualise a positive scenario
You may like to visualise in your mind certain scenarios with your boss or whoever in the past you’ve experienced difficulties with. I just love this technique it is what we call mental rehearsal and it is like a preview of how the situation will and does run. Like actors and atheletes you rehearse until you can not get it wrong.
Work out want you want to say, and write it down so that you feel comfortable with what you want to say.
Close your eyes and see yourself standing or sitting tall, with your back straight, and see yourself looking and feeling confident;. see how you look them in the eye, how you are in control of the situation, how easily your confident response .flows of your tongue easily and comfortably, Start to feel excited about all the possibilities of being in control of your responses.
By acquiring and practicing these skills and techniques to develop your inner confidence you have the ability to recognise what it is that you don’t want to do …you don’t have this need to make it alright, it feels much more comfortable and easier the more you practice it. it becomes second nature.
Take time out to think clearly to assess the situation what is it that is being asked of you. This gives you more time to find the appropriate response that you feel comfortable with.
By feeling more confident with yourself you will learn to recognise… that it is okay…and you are okay…it is all about having a sure footing with your feet firmly on the ground.
Frequently when people start to change, to value themselves more…to gain an inner confidence … not jumping in to make it alright for those around them, ..they can be accused of being arrogant or selfish. My response to this is that friends, colleagues, family and associates who have grown used to your old behaviour are sometimes resistant to you moving on. Because actually it is inconvenient to them, they liked it that you always said yes, it made their life easier.
Follow your gut response
Just stick with it, go with your gut. Ask yourself ..who am I… making it alright for…me or them? These people will eventually, respect and like you for having the confidence to follow your gut response, your natural instinct. The real bonus of this is that once you learn to stand your ground …and follow your true response… you will begin to attract more like-minded… respectful people to you, providing you with more satisfying work opportunities and personal relationships into your life.
Remember …it’s all about staying in control developing your inner confidence,.and listening to what your body tells you, what response feels comfortable to you.
Nicola Menage's Blog 